No matter who you are, where you are, what you are doing, or who you are with, I hope you know I’m watching you. Just joking, but anyway, I’m writing you this letter to inform you on all the requirements you will need to reach by our first date.

REQUIREMENTS:

1.) Social Media: You will not be allowed to have a Twitter or Snapchat. I do not want to risk finding you sliding into some other girl’s DMs or any girls sending you nudes. You don’t need to update anybody but me on what you’re doing and who you’re with. I’m not going to rip all the freedom out of your hands, so, you are allowed to have an Instagram, but you can only follow famous people and food accounts.

2.) Phone: I will need to know your passcode. You will need to respond to me, always. When I text you, you respond. When I call, you answer. You will not go several days without talking to me because if you do, you aren’t really bae.

3.) Friends: Best friends are not allowed, especially of the opposite sex. Why is she your friend? I don’t care if she was your friend first, if you grew up with her, if your mom loves her, if she needs you because her boyfriend broke up with her; she can cry to your mom. I really just don’t care, I am your only friend and will be your only friend forever.

4.) Tone of Voice: You do not raise your voice at me, ever. Are you mad? Go to the next room before your make me even more angry. You don’t curse at me either, I will not tolerate raising your tone and swearing at me because if you do, you are liable to get slapped and I don’t want to get charged for domestic violence.

5.) Gifts: I don’t really expect gifts but I love roses, chocolate, Silly Socks and make up. I usually get the java-chip frappe at Starbucks. I like Victoria Secret …but, I don’t really expect anything really. I think we really covered it all, I hope you follow these five easy requirements thoroughly. It may seem like a lot but really that’s all I ask.

Please go ahead and sign your name below agreeing to these terms and conditons. I hope I didn’t freak you out, because if you’re freaked out.. I don’t care. Are we still down for that movie tomorrow? I’ll see you at 7 tomorrow night, babe! Please don’t be late.