In the time I’ve been alive, the world’s end has been predicted twenty-nine times (according to Wikipedia). All of these predictions have obviously been hoaxes. Clearly we’re all sitting here, alive, and going on with our lives. Still, the notion of doomsday is actually pretty terrifying when you think about it.

One of the most popular apocalyptic events is the zombie apocalypse. Long story short, a virus with no cure becomes widespread, attacking the human brain, rapidly changing the human body to a rotting corpse, and leaving said human with savage animalistic instincts. And, for some morbid reason, a craving for the flesh of healthy humans.

Let me be the first to say that if someone announces the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, I’ll be throwing myself off the nearest cliff. I’m not putting myself through that willingly, hell no. You’d have to tie me down in a basement if you want me alive.

I’m going to go ahead and be honest; the idea of being a zombie terrifies me. I know that sounds silly. I mean, I don’t even know what it’s like to be a zombie. It could be kind of cool. But usually zombies are portrayed as lifeless creatures. Everything that made them human is gone. They don’t feel sympathy, or joy, or love. The only feelings they’re ever portrayed to have are anger and hunger (even though that’s usually how I feel anyway… Oh my god, I’m a zombie). I think it would be tragic to lose my humanity. Everything that makes me who I am would be gone.

My other fear is that I wouldn’t survive.

Have you ever actually sat down, watched zombie movies, and put yourself in those situations? Many of you would say, “I’d kick that zombies ass, burn them with a flamethrower, shoot their brains out, blah blah blah.” Let’s be honest, most of us can barely get up the stairs without running out of breath. And you think you’re gonna outrun a zombie? Think again. How many of you actually know how to aim and shoot a gun under pressure? I’ve never even touched a gun. Could you keep calm and think rationally instead of panicking? Not likely.

In the event of the zombie apocalypse, I refuse to fight, or even see a zombie. The rest of you can save humanity if you want to, but I’ll kindly be rolling in my grave and avoiding this entire ordeal.